So my earlier post was emotionless and to the point regarding the cold feet text received today from a once very close and special friend.
What is causing me so much confusion regarding his admission is our history. This wasn't a meaningless encounter with a stranger, but a person who I have known and loved for the last two years.
We met when our mutual friend, Charlotte, was moving into her house. On a sticky and hot July afternoon in a house full of unpacked boxes and chaos, our mutual physical attraction towards each other was apparent from the second our eyes met. Yet our shyness prevented us from acting on it.
Three months later when we met again, he was involved with Sarah, a woman who had left her husband for him. As I got to know him and her as friends,he was now out of bounds due to his relationship, even though each time we met the attraction remained.
At Charlottes christmas party last year, he interrogated me regarding the casual relationship I was involved with, with another mutual friend Jamie, accusing me that I would hurt him and I shouldn't be sleeping with him. All in front of Sarah.
As the months continued, contact with him increased. He spent six weeks redoing my kitchen and painting the outside of my house in the spring. Sarah came along too as she let him support her financially and refused to get a proper job. And every now and again, he would send me a saucy text, expressing his desire for me.
Yet their relationship continued even though they would bicker continually,rarely went out and lived a solitary life. Any attempt from Charlotte to encourage Sarah to come out for a night was rejected.
Early September, he returned from working away to find that Sarah had left him, taking his furniture with her. Charlotte and myself attempted to support him through this time as his emotions ranged from shock and anger after all he had done for her.
A few weeks later, he sent me a text, confessing that he had wanted me from the moment he had seen me and that we should date. Surprised, yet pleased, I tried to let him know my feelings yet express caution, knowing it may have been too soon following his split to move on to me. And the suggested dates did not occur.
Then a couple of weeks later, Charlotte suddenly died. When I heard the news, the first person I thought of was him, and I rang him to break the news. Two days later he sent me a text to say he and Sarah wanted to come and spend the evening with me. Which they did. No mention of her return or her sudden departure was made. We all acted as if it had never happened.
As we waited for the funeral, Sarah remained living with him. Yet during that long fortnight before our final goodbyes, he and I finally confessed how we felt for each other. I accepted that Sarah was back for the funeral and they were not back together.
Finally, the day of the funeral arrived. Sarah looked dreadful, no makeup, hair scraped severly back from her face, lining of her skirt hanging down. The brief contact I had with him was watched intently by her, making me feel extremly uncomfortable.
He had suggested that he spent the evening with me that night, yet when it became apparent that she would be coming with him, I declined. How could I spend an evening with someone when I had spent the previous two weeks passionately texting her partner?
As the weeks following the funeral passed, Sarah remained with him, her car needed to be repaired and then he was afraid of her mental state and what she may do if he told her to leave. Blah!
And then things changed. Last Wednesday he came round to see me. As he was leaving he let slip that he had fallen in love with me. I told him that I loved him too. The same night, he told Sarah to leave. And the next day she did.
We spent the weekend together. Saturday night he told me that he wanted to marry me and loved me. Everything felt right, natural, perfect. He left late on Sunday.
And now? Just two days later, I get the cold feet message. After all this time of knowing each other so well, waiting for each other, knowing my set up, I'm in shock.