Surprisingly...life continues..and still, I continue to function.
The problems I have previously written about were tiny spots of raindrops compared to recent events, yet my day to day routine remains unchanged. I smile at neighbours, other parents at school, customers and staff. All unaware of my pain and loss.
My children rarely see my anguish. Yet any glimmer of anxiety or tears that I may, unavoidable shed near them, are quickly ignored ,the reason for my emotion, such as a song on the radio, a film or a conversation of a past event is swiftly reacted to, their intention to kindly reduce my sadness yet, by doing do, selfishly preventing their pain at seeing their mother - me - suffering.
To loose a beloved, close and supportive friend, so suddenly and at such a young life, at 39, has pros and cons. Odd but true.
Pros then first.
a) Her 14 and 10 year old children outwardly appear to be coping. A cloak of self presevation has decended over them, instinctively knowing where to aim within their family to obtain the love, emotion but also financial support to continue to provide the that their mother had always organised and paid for. Using all the combinations, they know they will be supported in each area but from numerous other family/friend members
b) That death is no longer something to be feared. Standing in the perfectly peaceful cemetry, I almost envied the serenity of death. Calm.
c) Since her death, I have sensed unusual events. Waking up during the night at times such as 2.22, 3.33.4.44, for example,. To me, a sign she was there.
d) Decisions that felt right, were right. Last time I saw her, just two days before she died, I was initially tempted to ask her to go with my children on her own to a school fair. Yet pulled myself together enough to go. Same day, my kids were meant to go off to a drama group, but as we were all having a great time wih her and her child, decided to stay for a lovely afternoon in a pub.
e) That she lived her life with risk. Made the most of every opportunity...

And the cons...
a)She's no longer around for the positive feed back, the reminders of the good things, not just the crap...I've now lost her optimisum and support that kept me going, and hopefully how I kept her going too.
b) The laughs we had. Genuinely, never vindictive.
c) Missing that person that you clicked with in every way....abruptly gone without saying goodbye.
d) Finding a friend who was so easy to be yourself with. Happy to play scrabble or do crossword puzzles on a weekend night, yet knowing that if you went out, you;d still have fun.

Tonight, I have her dtr staying with me. She's coping so well even though she was with her mother when she died. At ten. She dosen't want aympathy just acknoledgement that she is still the same person she always was.