alicekate

So my earlier post was emotionless and to the point regarding the cold feet text received today from a once very close and special friend.
What is causing me so much confusion regarding his admission is our history. This wasn't a meaningless encounter with a stranger, but a person who I have known and loved for the last two years.
We met when our mutual friend, Charlotte, was moving into her house. On a sticky and hot July afternoon in a house full of unpacked boxes and chaos, our mutual physical attraction towards each other was apparent from the second our eyes met. Yet our shyness prevented us from acting on it.
Three months later when we met again, he was involved with Sarah, a woman who had left her husband for him. As I got to know him and her as friends,he was now out of bounds due to his relationship, even though each time we met the attraction remained.
At Charlottes christmas party last year, he interrogated me regarding the casual relationship I was involved with, with another mutual friend Jamie, accusing me that I would hurt him and I shouldn't be sleeping with him. All in front of Sarah.
As the months continued, contact with him increased. He spent six weeks redoing my kitchen and painting the outside of my house in the spring. Sarah came along too as she let him support her financially and refused to get a proper job. And every now and again, he would send me a saucy text, expressing his desire for me.
Yet their relationship continued even though they would bicker continually,rarely went out and lived a solitary life. Any attempt from Charlotte to encourage Sarah to come out for a night was rejected.
Early September, he returned from working away to find that Sarah had left him, taking his furniture with her. Charlotte and myself attempted to support him through this time as his emotions ranged from shock and anger after all he had done for her.
A few weeks later, he sent me a text, confessing that he had wanted me from the moment he had seen me and that we should date. Surprised, yet pleased, I tried to let him know my feelings yet express caution, knowing it may have been too soon following his split to move on to me. And the suggested dates did not occur.
Then a couple of weeks later, Charlotte suddenly died. When I heard the news, the first person I thought of was him, and I rang him to break the news. Two days later he sent me a text to say he and Sarah wanted to come and spend the evening with me. Which they did. No mention of her return or her sudden departure was made. We all acted as if it had never happened.
As we waited for the funeral, Sarah remained living with him. Yet during that long fortnight before our final goodbyes, he and I finally confessed how we felt for each other. I accepted that Sarah was back for the funeral and they were not back together.
Finally, the day of the funeral arrived. Sarah looked dreadful, no makeup, hair scraped severly back from her face, lining of her skirt hanging down. The brief contact I had with him was watched intently by her, making me feel extremly uncomfortable.
He had suggested that he spent the evening with me that night, yet when it became apparent that she would be coming with him, I declined. How could I spend an evening with someone when I had spent the previous two weeks passionately texting her partner?
As the weeks following the funeral passed, Sarah remained with him, her car needed to be repaired and then he was afraid of her mental state and what she may do if he told her to leave. Blah!
And then things changed. Last Wednesday he came round to see me. As he was leaving he let slip that he had fallen in love with me. I told him that I loved him too. The same night, he told Sarah to leave. And the next day she did.
We spent the weekend together. Saturday night he told me that he wanted to marry me and loved me. Everything felt right, natural, perfect. He left late on Sunday.
And now? Just two days later, I get the cold feet message. After all this time of knowing each other so well, waiting for each other, knowing my set up, I'm in shock.

Hmmm... Any suggestions as to how to respond to that text after patiently waiting neally two years to 'get it on' with that person?

This time last week he was declaring how he had fallen in love with me months ago. At the weekend, when we had finally spent the night together, he told me how he would marry me one day.

Three days later...I get the above!

My response?

"You and me both. Lets just put it down to experience. Ps, thank f**k I didn't shave my bits!"

Anyone who may have suffered my previous blogs will appreciate that I haven't had an easy life recently. Sorry, and I hope I haven't caused any suicides or manic depressive episodes.
After reading an article about a fella in USA (where else) who has introduced a non complaining policy for 21 days, I have decided to get my complaints out of my system before joining his cult...hmm, sorry, lifestyle!
Therefore, the following are my complaints...guaranteed....
1. I am always the last one in a queue.
2. My mother/sister always visit me when I am hungover/tired/ill/house in a mess..and put it down to my assumed, dodgy lifestyle.
3. My landlord always rings me at work when I forget to put a silly voice on when I answer the phone.
4. Anyone in a 4 by 4 are stupid and can't drive..and are bloody well in my way!
5. Working with the general public, especially spoilt, rich, stay at home mums, is crap. Their brains have diminished to raisin size, leading to a total lack of reality or empathy for other human beings.
6. Traffic wardens should be rounded up and pushed off Beachy Head.
7. Ditto,VAt Inspectors, Town Councillors, thieving bastard accountants and the biased BBC management.
8. All reality 'celebrities' should be placed in stocks, pelted with custard, their earnings donated to hospices before being returned back to their untalented normal lifes and to work for their money.
9. The management of the hospitals where patients died of C-difficile should be charged with manslaughter.
10. All children should be able to read when they leave school.
11.Pointless "university courses" should be replaced with useful employment skills and trades.
12. Stop this nanny state!
13. Outlaw Ambulance chasing insurance firms
14. And, for gods sake...let us enjoy life without guilt, with the teeny portion of income we have left each month.

That over, I now cannot complain about anything for 21 days...at the end, I should feel positive, happy and peaceful....
Hmmm....love a challenge!

To make our government realise that all children in full time education must learn to read!
How can a once civilised country fail so many?
And how do these non readers fill in their dole forms, see whats on sky and set up their playstations?
Bizzare....

Reasons for not writing recently/
a) Started to write a novel,
b) Summer hols, the Oct hols.
c) Exhaustion!
d) Death of best friend.
e) Divorce proceedings.
f) Trying to keep buisness viable,
g) Single mum to two children
h) Family fall out
i) 11 plus selection process
j) New relationship
k) Going out more
l) Renovating house
j) Ex still a twat.

Need any more?

Surprisingly...life continues..and still, I continue to function.
The problems I have previously written about were tiny spots of raindrops compared to recent events, yet my day to day routine remains unchanged. I smile at neighbours, other parents at school, customers and staff. All unaware of my pain and loss.
My children rarely see my anguish. Yet any glimmer of anxiety or tears that I may, unavoidable shed near them, are quickly ignored ,the reason for my emotion, such as a song on the radio, a film or a conversation of a past event is swiftly reacted to, their intention to kindly reduce my sadness yet, by doing do, selfishly preventing their pain at seeing their mother - me - suffering.
To loose a beloved, close and supportive friend, so suddenly and at such a young life, at 39, has pros and cons. Odd but true.
Pros then first.
a) Her 14 and 10 year old children outwardly appear to be coping. A cloak of self presevation has decended over them, instinctively knowing where to aim within their family to obtain the love, emotion but also financial support to continue to provide the that their mother had always organised and paid for. Using all the combinations, they know they will be supported in each area but from numerous other family/friend members
b) That death is no longer something to be feared. Standing in the perfectly peaceful cemetry, I almost envied the serenity of death. Calm.
c) Since her death, I have sensed unusual events. Waking up during the night at times such as 2.22, 3.33.4.44, for example,. To me, a sign she was there.
d) Decisions that felt right, were right. Last time I saw her, just two days before she died, I was initially tempted to ask her to go with my children on her own to a school fair. Yet pulled myself together enough to go. Same day, my kids were meant to go off to a drama group, but as we were all having a great time wih her and her child, decided to stay for a lovely afternoon in a pub.
e) That she lived her life with risk. Made the most of every opportunity...

And the cons...
a)She's no longer around for the positive feed back, the reminders of the good things, not just the crap...I've now lost her optimisum and support that kept me going, and hopefully how I kept her going too.
b) The laughs we had. Genuinely, never vindictive.
c) Missing that person that you clicked with in every way....abruptly gone without saying goodbye.
d) Finding a friend who was so easy to be yourself with. Happy to play scrabble or do crossword puzzles on a weekend night, yet knowing that if you went out, you;d still have fun.

Tonight, I have her dtr staying with me. She's coping so well even though she was with her mother when she died. At ten. She dosen't want aympathy just acknoledgement that she is still the same person she always was.