alicekate

Out of ten...at the mo I'm on an 8 on the happiness chart....

Just felt compelled to write that down!!!

Just speht the last four hours going through photos with Lucy (the au pair) to make a collage to brighten up my very white kitchen ....

Lots of happy family scenes, sunny holidays, first day of term, Christmas, weddings etc...the majority of events occuring during my ex hubbys constant pinging between me and his other woman,a situation I was very much aware of for many years. Yet no one would guess at the drama and heartache I was going through by looking at these photos as I tried to protect my children from our unhappiness.

It's been quite a while since I even dwelt on what may have been occuring in the background of these memories, I just saw my childrens smiling faces and ooooeeeddd and ahhed at how much they've grown and how lucky they've been with holidays abroad, days out and over indulgent birthday parties. No regrets or pain for what if's...or wishing we were still a family...

Then, I across one particular photo which floored me...my eldest daughter, just turned 3, sitting on my kitchen table, looking cute in dungarees and a sun hat, surrounded by Easter Eggs, and looking utterly miserable. And I realised that this was the second day that her Daddy hadn't been at home...and mummy couldn't tell her when he would be back....totally heartbreaking.....

A momentary flinch of pain for her sadness and confusion....

..and then...

....in a split second...

....it was gone...x

Got home from a crap day to find the builders still faffing around in my kitchen with little change, the news that one of the dogs had done a smelly and fishy poo in the sitting room (the au pair had thrown out some fish and failed to tie up the bin bag, so they have eaten four pieces of out of date cod..hmmm!) that the au pair is leaving...(actually, a good thing!..a strain hiding the fact that some nights it's fun not to sleep at all...and she broke so many things, DVD player, washing machine, hoover and favourite picture...)

And why does wine taste so nice at 5.30pm?

Feel lovely and mellow now.....

I've recently started to suspect that I'm wrong about people in my life...today's classic is as follows:

My nearest business competitor closed down a few weeks ago after just 18 months of trading due to their initial over investment on the set up. The landlord approached me to see if I would be interested to take it on and I visited it several times.

Problem is, I can only do so if I use my house as security to raise any funds, a decision I'm just not prepared to do. Or attract investors. So, I approached my eldest sister to see if they may be willing to invest, the idea being that I would link the sites together and cross market, staff, etc, using my brand and contacts that I have worked hard to establish after five years in this field.

Before I knew it, they were meeting with the landlord and the owner without me,who both confirmed that I was first choice for taking this on and that they would not even be considered without my expererience, their bank manager was prepared to lend them almost twice the money I would need to start up, and they were seeking advice from everyone with little knowledge of this business and using me for advice on the more technical aspects, yet using my trading history.

I'd already expressed my concerns to my sister as to how this would work, scared of falling out etc and that we needed to agree on how the partnership would be set up, before any decision was made as to continue or not.

Today I went to their business for a meeting, and my concerns were clarified.

Whilst there, the owner of the site rang...seeking a decision, the bank manager rang for more info, and sis and hubby advised me that they had been quoted £10k for an extraction system following advice from Dodgy Dave and his greasy take away business next door and failing to ask me, who's set up two of these businesses and only spent £3K!

So as I waited for bro in law to get off phone from bank manager,every now and again shouting out for help and info from me etc, sis suddenly asked me how much I wanted as a consultant and how many days a week i was prepared to work for them...and I lost my temper...said that I was not going to help them set up a competing business and that they were using me. As she snapped back that they were the investors and I wasn't, therefore they were entitled to continue as they were,and saying that they had asked advice from Dodgy Dave as I was not running a commercial kitchen and he was(!), I walked out, saying that this was what I was afraid of....

A huge weight has lifted..bro in law has rung tonight and confirmed that i am the key to them obtaining this business... so I will drag things out...and will not be used...

Or am I a cow?

Feels good though!!!

Sub title....

Bumping into ex sis & brother in law...

Off to town with children last Saturday to buy a few bits. We're all in happy moods, enjoying a rare weekend with full access of them as ex away with business. I'm just reversing into a space when eldest child spots my ex sis in law...directing ex bro in law trying to park their new Land Rover a few spaces from us.

Ex sis...I'll call her Drama Queen, has also seen us although pretends not to..so as she attempts to hurry ex bro, I'll call him Henpecked, towards the entrance, at the same time as us, I call out a cheery hello!

Now, I've known them both for neally twenty years, spent every christmas with them, summer holidays, Henpecked lodged with us for six months, he's my eldest's godfather, I babysat their dtr every holiday for years and we all shared similar humour etc...and if the children weren't with me, I may have avoided them too.

Because, for some reason since I finally ended my farcical marriage with her brother due to his long term affair, she has treated me like a total stranger, a nasty smell, a maggot in her apple...and I don't know why!

So, as they stopped, Henpecked politely chatted (obviously better breeding!) I blabbered, talking crap, and she stood, arms crossed, just managing to say hello to the children...the children I know she welcomes when they are with ex and who she usually embraces. I mention that my youngest reminds me so much of their dtr at the same age, which she questions as if 'how the fuck would I know' attitude, so after barely three minutes of this total hell, I smile and say lovely to see you but that we must dash and do so.

I feel like crying..due to anger, frustration and injustice of being treated like this by people I was once so close to, I'm shaking and close to returning to the car for a cigarette. The children have totally picked up on the situation, and bombard me with questions as to why Drama Queen was so strange, a situation I was hoping to avoid by not hiding away from relatives just because I'm with them and not their dad..I say that I don't know and distract them (H & M does the trick) so they quickly forget. And I spend the next hour hiding my feelings.

Later on, as I'm telling my mother, I suddenly wonder if ex has, once again, manipulated the situation to make him look better...and to justify his behaviour. I already know that he told his family that I'd had a miscarriage following a one night stand year, when I was suffering with something else and was not even a teeny bit pregnant!. So very possible...would love to know what I've been doing!!!

Yet after hours of thoughts of confronting her, writing and demanding an explanation or worrying about it, I decide, that actually I don't want to know. I'm comfortable that I'm doing the right thing for my children by smiling and chatting if we are together when we see them. I can't let them grow up thinking that they can only be friendly to relatives when the right parent is with them...

So...bollocks for wasting time on this!

Its 3am and for some bizarre reason, as in I haven't been downing bucket loads of expressos or dabbling in illegal drugs...wouldn't know where to get them!, I'm wide awake with random thoughts popping into my head...

Such as...

1. Big Brother...why? Twelve weeks of a once civilised nation obsessively watching a group of purposely ill matched individuals living together? Totally edited, set up to encourage confrontation, misery and if very lucky, a hint of sex...Initial concept was entertaining but now it's aim appears to try and attract publicity no matter how it affects people sad enough to subject themselves to this ritual humiliation.
Release Davina,(actually, release Davina from any tv programme!) and us, from this piss poor, cheap, unimaginative crap...
2. Same with the audition part of the X factor...where is Lianne anyone?
3. Why has the climate change/global warming brigade gone quiet during these weeks of wind and rain?
4. Do birds barter with each other? (Been wondering about this a lot lately...)
5. Why does your bed always feel so cosy when you have to get up...yet never quite the same or as snuggly, when you don't)
6. Why does it cost more to buy a return ticket on the channel tunnel depending on how long your away for, then a day trip ticket?
7. Why do VAT inspectors all seem to wear anoraks?
8. Why are films so long these days?

There...that's better! I may be able to sleep now....