alicekate

My life has never been dull, well, not in the last eight or so years, and although quite stressful, at least I know that I've made the most of it. I'm actually learning to like myself and my life again, and I would hate to be on my death bed regretting what I hadn't done. (I never regret the past,..it's made me the person I am.)

I've raised my children with the attitude that you are responsible for your own happiness and that even if life is going wrong, it could be a hell of a lot worse. And yes, I've been lucky, growing up where I did, having a secure childhood, loving parents, good friends, good health and discovering my own self esteem. (Wish I'd had the confidence I have now, twenty years ago!)

Yet some of my closest friends, including my ex sis in law, who I love to bits, are living a mundane life. Outwardly, they have the secure marriage, the comfortable homes, no money worries, the healthy children, the dinner parties etc, yet they're now heading into their forties and reconsidering their lives...where is the excitement during their daily routines, where has their own identity and aspirations gone and why have they lost their appreciation of how lucky they are?

In some respects I'm lucky...although I grew up in a large family, I love my space, my time. I don't need people around me constantly, I don't need a partner to make me feel whole, I'm happy with or without others... (the reason my mother thinks caused my marriage to break down..I was too independent, irrespective of an extremely week partner and a madly obsessive mistress!) And I can see the same in my children. I'm not embarrased of my marriage breakdown, I don't feel at fault, I actually feel proud that I've coped, achieved so much and that my children are happy, secure about themselves, respectful of others, confident and undamaged by our families breakdown.

There is always a reason for why things happen...it's up to you how you deal with them...

How often have you met someone who you instantly feel comfortable with?

A person, male or female, who you click with?

Is it just me, or as adults are we too distrusting, too aware of some people's falseness, so bombarded by sales tricks or what someone else is out to get from you, that we are amazed when someone genuinely likes you for you?

Hmmm....so special when it happens....

I've always wanted to write a book, I've started many, planned in my head even more, yet lack confidence in pursuing this...afraid of what?

It seems so easy, so, why isn't it?

I've been counting my blessings today. These are as follows:

1, Two gorgeous, healthy, happy children.
2, Close and loving family,
3, Good friends,
4, Lovely home in a friendly, safe area,
5, No real money worries,
6, Healthy,
7, Independent,
8, My own business which allows flexibility in my life,
9, My returning optimism,
10, My sense of humour.

Probably helps that I haven't read the Daily Mail today!!

Went to see The Bridge to Terabithia (spelt wrong?)today...haven't cried so much in a film since I saw that one where the mother has to give her 6 children away before she dies of cancer..which was cheery..

But TBTT was just soooo goood...the trailers for it were quite misleading so some people were expecting a real Narnia type fantasy then, not surprisingly, gave it bad reviews.

But this film, for me, was the best one I've seen for years...not too long and not too sentimental. (Am I the only one who thinks Notting Hill, Love is all around and the 2nd Bridget Jones films were sick inducing?)

My favourite films are as follows:
The Usual Suspects,
Closer,
Scandel,
Fight Club,
Angel Heart
9 and a half weeks,
Life of Brian,
The Game
Leaving Las Vegas,
Merry Christmas Mr Lawerence,

Films I've walked out of:
Hannah and her sisters..(I was only 15, so may see it differently now)
One of the Rambos...all mingle into one.
Face Off,

Films that were ok..but distinctly over hyped:
The Devil in Prada,
Borat (sorry...funny in places but watching through fingers, cringing..)
Wedding Crashers..too long,

Films I'll never watch again:
The last Hannibal one...unnecessarily gory,
28 Days...only went to see London deserted,
Titanic...

Is this just me???

Just heard the news on Radio 1, apparently the government have so little to do that they are writing to ebay to tell them to stop people selling the Big Weekend tickets. This is to stop ticket touts...yet how can this interference happen in a free country? Ok I know professional touts can be abit dodgy, but surely its up to each individual to spend their money in any way they choose..isn't it a question of supply and demand? No one is holding a gun against their head forcing them to hand over money (unlike the Inland Revenue, figuratively speaking)

If I've missed something, ie its a charity event or a fund raiser then please let me know...god, we'll soon be forced to carry clean hankies and have our bottoms wiped by specially trained government bodily waste extractors!

What a lovely day!!!

Had to endure a 'business meeting' with ex (now known as Dick as in dickhead, fuckwit or twatfeatures). Prepared myself for the typical corporate bullshit that he spurts without a)laughing, b) rolling my eyes c) crying with frustration...We were in the office at work, and following the issue on Sat, I'd asked my sis to sit in the staff room next door in case I 'goaded' him too much again.

Yet, I was on form today and managed to trip him up on certain accusations he threw at me... (not scoring points, honest) I kept calm, didn't shout or storm out and watched how he would go from aggressive to controlled again in seconds..

And so to the best bit!!! The financial split of our divorce.. I'm insisting on doing this properly through the courts (due to the honesty problem ie his inability to be honest ) so he gave me two options to consider...

I can have the house, all the equity, and the endowment, and the huge mortgage payments, and he will accept a payment for his share of the business, and he will have no further involvement with the business. However, this offer is only available if we sort this amicabally without involving the courts.

Or I can waste time and money going through the courts and until its agreed he will continue to be involved with the business, demand regular business meetings and basically be a pain in the arse..(said I;ve endured this since we opened so can endure a further 6 months)

And finally, (told you, fog has lifted in my head!) it all became clear...I suddenly remembered how when we were together, he used to say that I would be very wealthy if he died while working in his current job and that his pension is very very generous...he has also said that as I have my own pension this would rule out my entitlement to his..(mine is tiny, so total bullshit) Basically, the equity (which could reduce) and endowment is less then half the worth of his pension....therefore the courts may decide that I should benefit from the pension as well or they may not. But I have more faith that it will be fairer for them to decide.

Fact is though, I'm not a total money grabbing, bitter ex wife, out to financially cripple him, and I would be happy with the house and making a small payment to him for the business ie £15k in recognition of his involvement etc (he took £10k out of our joint mortgage account to buy his new house so would have offered £25k) and our personal investment was £50k which was added to the mortgage which I now pay...yet he wants £50k to be brought out...plus business only breaking even at mo.....ermmm...???

As I failed to agree to his preferred option, he tried to change his approach..don't want to fall out over this..you and girls are always my main priority (bullshit!)etc, stuck to my guns..so, like a little spoilt brat, off he sulks... Can guarantee that next discussion, he will convienently forget my decision and use the little charm he thinks he has to get me to change my mind....

Finally...thank god, went off for lunch with some girlfriends, two having been through this, both advised me to do it properly...let the fight continue!!!

Night

So whats new?

Following Saturdays events with ex, he sent me text on Sunday saying that the children wanted to stay another night with him, and he would bring them back Mon am. He turned up with them on Mon as arranged and insisted on coming in to talk..I wasn't happy about this but didn't want to make a scene in front of them. I confronted him regarding his attempt to throttle me, which he tried denying and then admitted that it was my fault as I had goaded him!!! Obviously, I then asked him to leave, which he did and as always,he left with a few personal insults hanging in the air. Pathetic heh?

I told the children how glad I was that they were home and lets make the most of what was left of the weekend etc, to learn that they had been told by him that I was out Sunday night and didn't want them home!!! So he's now reverting to manipulating his own children to get at me!!! How low will he go...

Made formal statement with the police on Tuesday..have left it on record and advised my solicitor of situation...see how this develops..

Apart from this, I feel so much better! The fog has lifted at last and motivation has arrived...and the best news ever arrived on Tuesday...our nearest competitors have gone bust after 18 months!! Know it's not nice to gloat on others misfortunes..but sooooo hard not to due to the underhand way they have behaved (another story!)and we've picked up a lot of their business already...

Maybe a little bit of luck is heading my way at last...

Just a quickie at mo, as off out with friends soon....

Ex came to collect children earlier, frustrated with me as I haven't encouraged any conversation with him this week..so, when I suggested that we completed our financial split properly..ie through solicitors as I was unable to trust his honesty (hmmm? he spent the last six years of our marriage living a double life..so I feel I have reasonable justification in doubting his every word) he lost his temper...and suddenly he has his hands around my throat...squeezing!! Didn't last very long, but long enough for me to panic...

Children then came downstairs and he snapped back into doting dad...

After speaking to a close friend, decided to report this to police, which I've done and meeting with them on Tuesday...

Strange thing is, I feel a sick sense of satisfaction that he lost control to do this...ie he's always been verbally threatening but always managed to hold back any physical attack...any explanation anyone?

Got a few....

Our continuing creativity...as in fashion, music, litrature,comedy, industry etc...

Our optimism that we CAN win a major sporting event...

Our chirpy sense of humour....

Our healthy attitude to binge drinking...

Marmite...

Our countryside

Marks & Spencers Food Hall

Aero bubbles....

Just finished watching the Panaroma program tonight highlighting our god damn awful maternity services now offered(!) in some hospitals in this country...this on top of my new council tax bill that arrived today, £125 a month, for what?? and a rather thoughtful note left by the dustmen advising me that they will only take rubbish that fits into my green wheelie bin (which they collect fortnightly)and therefore the extra bag I so thoughtlessly assumed would be collected by them is left.

Last week I received a letter from my NHS dentist advising that they are transferring to private patients only, so pay or try and find another NHS dentist in the area (ha!...more chance of watching Posh tucking into a family feast bargain bucket from KFC)

So instead of sitting here trying to work out where exactly all our hard earnt money goes, decided to think about why this country is still fab.....

.....erm.....any suggestions????!!!!!

I've kept describing myself as positive, optimistic etc, yet since last summer I've felt very much like I've been living in a fog, no libido, weight gain, mood swings,disinterest in work, fatigue etc. I had made an appointment to see my gp for this Tuesday and was going to ask to be tested for diabetes, or for some happy pills...or thyroid prob.etc
Then on sat, I was surfing the net and put mirena coil in search engine (had mine since last August)..f**king hell!!..came across hundreds of women all with the same story as me....and finally put two and two together...The relief!!!

So saw gp on Tuesday, explained all the symptoms, ending with my my lack of libido (blushed terribly!) and he agreed that there were too many coincindences and removed the offending thing! Know it may take a while to become normal (for hormones to leave the system) yet relief has already altered me...